This blog

is not where I keep my real thoughts. I keep those in a little brown imitation Moleskine notebook that I bought at Target (though it is actually quite sturdier than a real Moleskine). I hope to have a bunch of them on a bookshelf by the time I’m grey, with Roman numerals on the spine. There are journals, poetry, prayers, songs, Bible study notes, theology, theories, thoughts, drawings, etc., all in my little notebook. And it’s mine! So wordpress is really just leftover crumbs of all the not-so-important issues in my life that I decide are appropriate for the interweb.

I just downloaded 30 sermons from the past three Resolved conferences, and about 12 Piper sermons. I figure, I have two 25 minute drives to and from work, so I might as well listen to something edifying. Either tonight or tomorrow, I’m ‘pedding to Dixon, so that’s 4 hours round trip for sermon-listening.

I’m going to Dixon because Eric has 4 free passes to Marine World, so me, him, Ashley, and Robbie are going to go. Me and Robbie can hold hands and flirt and cuddle in the car, so we don’t feel left out.

Ok, seriously. All the “Christian” girls I know are freaking just not even serious about it. I know about a handful of true, sincere Christian girls who would rather be put to death than deny Christ. Every other out there is like “Religious views: Christian” … “About me: I just like to have parties with my friends and live for shopping. oh and I go to church.” I want to meet a girl who can’t stop talking about Jesus who saved her from her sin! Is that too much to ask for? It’s like, even people who go as far as lifting their hands during worship, it just doesn’t seem like they are that into God on the other six days of the week. And I also put this upon myself. I don’t want to be proud as I look at people like that. I want to help them and remember that I have just as many inconsistencies. But honestly… I just want to meet a girl who is so focused on God, that it’s going to take His sovereign hand to turn her head in my direction.

I’ve been limiting myself to eight hours of sleep a night and so far it’s been working out nicely. So I have six more hours until I work. Until then, I think I’ll go to Peet’s and read. Because there is a girl there who loves Jesus. And I’d like to introduce myself.

But really, I trust sovereign God to do as he pleases, and only as he pleases, in my life, especially as far as this issue is concerned.

Update

So I guess this is just a little update.

Resolved was great. I didn’t really learn a whole lot, but it was good to be surrounded by men of God and fellowship and be encouraged. I continued to solidify my desire to go to seminary. I don’t know what I want to do with it, but if there is anything worth studying in this world, it is God.

So I have like a million books in my room, and I plan on spending the summer reading them all. Peet’s hasn’t called me back, and I am not going to call them back. God has blessed me with a job at Islands, and I think that taking a second job will take time away from eternal things, namely, spending hours in the word and studying and growing in my knowledge of Him. I also am going to start writing more. I want to write a systematic theology of my own. I want to write out what I believe, and why, not only to strengthen my own views and not jump to take the views of others, but to practice my studying and writing, in hopes of one day being a writer, in part, if not full-time.

I realized that I have been coveting for the past eight months. I knew what I was doing was wrong ethically and/or socially, but to desire someone who doesn’t belong to me is straight up sin, and I need to repent of that. It’s going to be hard because it’s not an act but rather a mindset and a desire of the heart that can only be changed through prayer and petition. Pray for me. And pray that I won’t be yearning for love, because I know plenty of godly men who are single, and I know that they take full joy in serving God, instead of searching for love.

Please pray for Lyndsay. I care about her, and though only she and God know where she is spiritually, I should give the benefit of the doubt and just pray, because I don’t know. Pray that God grants her repentance, and that she makes small steps, or a giant step, to move in the direction of godliness. Pray for edifying fellowship and for humility. Pray that I don’t have underlying motives for caring about this.

.

I used to send up a little prayer everythme I heard a siren.

I don’t anymore.

FML

Once upon a time, I asked God to take away everything from my life so hat I only had Him to rely on. It worked. The most important thing in my life, my best friend and lover was taken away, and did I ever rely on him. I always ask Him to take away things so that I don’t get comfortable with possessions and statuses, but right now, I’m too scared to do that.

I spilled soda on my laptop. I tried to fix it, and ended up breaking it completely.
I had to buy a wireless keyboard and mouse setup. I lost my mouse.
The day after I broke my computer, my roommate tells me that someone knocked over my moped in the parking lot.
My hours got cut at work, which takes away about $150 from my pocket each week.
A girl at work said to me, “You drive that little scooter? How old are you?!”
I have absolutely no food, so I went shopping for cheese and tortilla chips. On the way home, a bag of chips fell of my moped. I went to pick it up, only to find it run over.
I have essays to write, and, in perfect timing, all my Microsoft Office software crashes.
I constantly have killer acid reflux.
I have to come up with lots of money for the deposit on our new apartment. I don’t know how that’s going to happen, due to my cut hours.
My astronomy teacher hasn’t logged any of my lab assignments. I’ve tried so many times to contact him, and nothing has resolved. I am now failing that class, and will fail it if it isn’t resolved in three days.
I cut my leg at work today.
I spill things on myself constantly.
I openly embarrass myself with the things I do.

Sometimes,
I just want a real life. I’m tired of being in limbo. I’m tired of waiting for a beautiful girl who loves me to come around. I’m tired of waiting for the day when I don’t have to go 34 miles an hour in the most pathetic two-wheeled machine every, that barely weighs more than me. I’m tired of my four-year-old, duct-taped sandals that hurt my feet. I’m tired of my homemade and hand-me-down clothing that makes me look homeless. I’m tired of spending hours on my porch being unproductive, just wallowing. I’m tired of school, because I have no goal in sight. I’m tired of my up-and-down spiritual life that makes me wonder day-to-day what my emotions will be like at any given moment. I’m tired of feeling utterly and hopelessly poor (though I know that is the farthest thing from the truth).

I’m just so tired. I’m exhausted in every facet I possess.

Psalm 51:12 Restore to me the joy of Your salvation and sustain me with a willing spirit.

So Many Starfish in this Sea

Dr. Scholl?
Brit?
Thrice?
Percy?
Mary?

Oh, Dr. Scholl!
Brit…

This is going to be a LONG post.

I’m beginning to think differently about a lot of different things. Money, love, school, ministry, life. And the beautiful thing is, they all tie into each other perfectly.

1) I know that for me, money is not something I ever need to worry about. Ever. When people say that they don’t have enough money, I say that they are wrong. It’s not that you don’t have enough money, but rather there needs to be a fresh view of money and possessions. God has called Christians to live humbly in terms of money. If money has you worried, if money troubles are hindering your trust in God and growth and God-given peace, start selling stuff. Remove possessions and remove unnecessary expenditures so that the only thing you have to rely on is God. Oh, gosh, this first section isn’t very clear, and it’s not coming out the way I want it to sound at all. Bottom line: stop spending money. Start GIVING money away. Rid yourself of worldly possessions. Luke 12:15 “Then he said to them, ‘Be careful to guard yourselves against every kind of greed, because a person’s life doesn’t consist of the amount of possessions he has.’” For me personally, this is my goal: I would like to one day be able to have small storage somewhere (for books and documents and just important things that need to be kept. Maybe.) and the rest of my living possessions, what I live off of, can fit in my backpack. Something I want to do as soon as I can is just go. Hit the road, with my possessions, talking to people about God, and the unmerited gift of salvation. I want to be dirt poor, because the poorer I become by the world’s standards, the more I have to rely on God. That has been my prayer for the past year or so. I asked God to take away my girlfriend at one point, because I knew that it would hurt me. I knew that I would be so broken, that my only path was towards God, for his provision and care. Ever read in the Bible where Jesus told people to sell all (or, in at least one case, half) of all they owned, give the money to the poor, and follow after Him? Ever read in the Bible where Jesus told the disciples to travel, spreading the good news, not even taking with them a walking stick or money purse? Ever read in the Bible where Jesus said that God clothes the flowers and feeds the birds, and that He will absolutely do the same for His children? Ever read in the Bible where Jesus said that he has no place to call home and no place to rest His head? I have. And I’d like to apply all those passages to my life. And I’d like to grow a beard, because they are hot and I’m sure Jesus had one too (http://tinyurl.com/ojt8s)

2) All this talk of being poor and roaming around the world brings me to my second point. Love. I’m going to copy a little bit from a note I wrote recently on Facebook, because it says it well. I will expound as well. Has anyone ever given into the thought that maybe, just maybe, you aren’t supposed to get married? Would you be okay with not ever having another boyfriend or girlfriend? What if God broke off your current relationship just as a slap in the face to tell you, “There are more important things in life than the worldly affair of human companionship? So humble living and love. Does it mix? If my lover loves the same sort of lifestyle that I want, then it would mix. But that probably isn’t going to happen without divine intervention (though isn’t everything divine intervention?), and certainly I wouldn’t want my children to be caught up among this less than opportune lifestyle. Paul puts it very nicely. “Those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this. I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— and his interests are divided. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.” I would love to be free from the concern of love. I know my intentions and dreams and aspirations change often, but as of now, I’ve been entertaining the thought of “bachelor ’til the rapture.” I want to be devoted to the calling I feel. I know that even right now, with school and a job and my own day to day activities, I wouldn’t be able to be in a relationship without sacrificing my current affairs of school and work (which are very important) or attention and love towards her. I think that even though I won’t be in school forever, there will be other things in my life to take the place of school. And part of me feels like it is a copout to say, “Well I don’t want a wife because I want to be selfish and do what I want to do without being tied to a chain.” But really… that’s exactly what I’m saying, except that instead of doing what I want, selfishly, it will be doing what God wants, in my ministry, or in my desire for this vagabond (with an eternal purpose) lifestyle. I do get lonely at times. But honestly, God’s work in my life, my ministry, and my devotion to whatever God has for me are way more important than being married. Paul says it plainly: “An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs, but a married man is concerned about the affairs of [his wife].” Unbiased, calculated, analytical, objective thinking and decision-making would absolutely yield this answer: it is better to be unmarried if you have God’s work in sight. BUT: it may be God’s will for me or you to be married. It may be our ministry to raise children for the ministry (as Piper says, the purpose of having children is to create disciples of God (though, Mr. Piper, if they are not part of the elect, then it wouldn’t matter if you beget them with the intention of creating disciples. But the effort is there, of course)). God may allot me an ample amount of faith (Romans 12:3) and enough strength to live rightly with a wife. He may not. I’m just saying: I hope it is the latter.

3) School. I hate school. I don’t think I’ve ever liked it. At this moment I have procrastinated and put off my homework for four full days. I know that’s a sin, but I say that just to get the point across: I don’t like school. Few do, and I know some who do like it, and I think they are crazy. But I’ve come to realize this past week that all this time I’ve been wanting to get a degree so that I can be in that position of ministry that otherwise would be hard or foolish to attain without a degree. Basically, something in the church. Some sort of pastor or church staff. But I am quite sure that when we all get to heaven, God isn’t going to say, “Son A, I am very pleased with you because you were so dedicated to the ministry that you went to college and got a degree. Son B, I am pleased with you for selling all you have and hitting the road for the ministry, but not AS pleased.” Many of the disciples were fishermen. Working-class, blue-collar, uneducated men (though a Rob Bell “sermon” taught me that they were educated in Scripture, but, because they weren’t able to memorize the entire Pentateuch or something, they went on to become fishermen instead, still with a vast knowledge of Scripture). I would love to work in a church somewhere and minister there. I wouldn’t mind going to college for it either. But I’d rather be like the disciples and apostles and just take their sandals and GO. Travel. Share. Give. Help. Preach. All while no doubt enjoying the beauty of God’s creation. That’s another thing. I just want to travel. Plain and simple.

4) Something that I’ve been planning / thinking about for the past week or so is a bike ride from Vacaville to Palm Springs (map: http://tinyurl.com/co5cra) in late May / early June. What I hope to gain from this eleven-or-so day trip: I want to be able to see God’s creation. I want to live minimally, sure, even looking for food in the most unconventional of places. I want to be able to connect with people I come into contact with, and tell them why I’m doing this ride, just like I’m telling you, reader. I want to push myself physically, and be healthy, at least in one area. I want some time away, by myself, with God. After all, it is a 700 mile bike ride, and there will be lots of things to think and pray and read about. My destination: Resolved 2009 (www.resolved.org). Then a nice, relaxing car ride home. It will be a nice motivator and warm-up for my eventual, full-blown vagabond lifestyle.

I know a lot of the above is what I want, but I want to throw in a disclaimer that I am completely open to and accepting of what God wants from my life, and what He has in store for it. I’m merely expressing what’s been on my mind lately and what I HOPE is in store for me.

In other, less meaningful news, I started my job at Islands today, and it is… a job. What can I say? I have about 2.5 months left in this apartment, and then, maybe, I will be moving to Auburn with Ryan Doyle. And, other than that, my life has been, as usual, a spiritual train wreck / roller coaster / amazing oasis of learning and relearning and relearning and falling and getting and falling harder and getting back up stronger. I am a work in progress, and I am thankful that God’s infinite patience and mercy and love and forgiveness is enough to bring to completion the work that He has begun in me.

I want to leave you with a couple quotes from Sufi poetry.

“Ilahî anta maqsûdî wa-ridâka matlûbî — my God, you are my Goal and Your good pleasure is what I seek.”

“I [Allah] am his hearing through which he hears, his sight through which he sees, his hand through which he grasps, and his foot through which he walks.”

I Had A Dream

I hate blogging. It’s really stupid, and I think the only reason people do it is because they know other people are reading it. So read this.

I want new friends, a new home, new memories with a new past, a new job (even though I haven’t even started my new one), a new and improved faith, new face, new person, new personality, new girl (she’s just gunna be a rebound, nothing more. And I’m fine with that), a new body, a new voice, new convictions, new family, new style, new income, new lifestyle.

Uh oh

Getting text message alerts is starting to make me giddy, because I don’t know who it is sending me God knows what.

What’s the meaning of this?!

Oh, right…

Time for a new codename.

Life

Life right now is quite challenging, I must say. I know God is faithful and will provide for me, but I easily get stuck in a downward spiral of looking at my life as a whole instead of one situation at a time. For example, I have about 150 pages of textbook reading to do this week, and instead of looking at it chapter by chapter, subject by subject, I see it as an unconquerable mountain of reading that I feel so overwhelmed by, that I just don’t even make an attempt to start.

I need a job, and I “applied” for the WJU Music Department internship, but from what I hear, “the position has been filled” (a little quote from Mrs. Doubtfire there). My friends have been pushing me to work at Burger Hut Burgers, but I don’t want to work in food. Nugget seems nice. Yet I can’t seem to even begin to apply to places when I have this monstrously huge homework load on my shoulders (which, as scary as it is to think about, is much less than the load will be next semester when I take 18 units). Therefore, I put an ad on Craigslist for guitar lessons. Hopefully I can gather some more cash that way. Also, I put my moped up for sale for $1800. I know it’s the middle of winter and no one wants to buy a moped in the middle of winter, but I really do need the money. I have an amp I could sell, but I don’t want to resort to that. And though this is unrealistic that my “poverty” would come down to this, I’d rather be literally homeless and looking for food in the most humble ways; I’d rather sell the clothes off my back than sell something like my guitar.

Since my headphones broke, the only ones I have left are my AKG headphones, and they cut off the blood circulation in my temples, and I get headaches when I wear them. But I hate Starbucks music more than anything, so I have to use these. Oh, and I am at Starbucks because I needed my computer for school and I have no internet, what is more, no electricity at my house, because somehow, PG&E didn’t get our payment.

And in light of my venting about how much homework I have, and the fact that I am sitting here blogging instead of doing that homework, I will now end this blog with a quote:

Strange because I believe it is my future staring back at me.
But all in all, its unlikely Ill succeed.
I’ve developed a lovely distaste for your heart on my sleeve.

I Don’t Know Where To Begin

There’s not much good that can come from being practically bound to a situation, one in which you have no control over, and one in which the only preferable outcome is so completely out of arms’ reach, and all you can do is ride though that situation. Every painful and joyful and thoughtful and hopeful moment of it.

Winter camp was incredible. It was a great time to serve and to learn. Jason and Ryan brought the Word with so much fervor, it almost knocked me over. Worship was awesome. It was laid back and fun, and there wasn’t a feeling of, “We have to play these songs perfectly!” Worship ministry should never be like that. There should, however, always be a “spirit of excellence” (going back to my intern day lingo here…) that you put forth. Melanie did a great job of organizing everything, and… it was just great!

I came home tonight to a filthy house, with like 6 people sitting on the couch playing mancala and watching CMT. I brought a huge amount of free food that I got over the weekend, which was a blessing. Please, if anyone is reading this, pray that I find a job. It is my responsibility as a human being to get one. God surely doesn’t want me wasting away every day blogging and eating and doing homework.

Do you ever send out a text message and don’t get anything in response and wonder if it was just for no reason, or if it was because of something you said? You’d be making too big of a deal out of it to inquire, so you sit and wait. And then you realize it doesn’t even matter because people aren’t as paranoid and over-analytical as you are.

I wrote a song. It is 100% complete, and I am satisfied for once. I played it at open mic night on Thursday. It sufficed. Not to me, but to the rest. Which is alright, I guess.

I am dreadfully tired, figuratively speaking, that is.