I want to stop being a pharisee.
I want to start doing my homework when I’m supposed to.
I want to stop staying up late and waking up late.
I want to read my Bible more than once a week.
I want to stop my variety of pointless obsessions and compulsions.
I want to eat regularly and well.
I want to stop smoking so much.
I want to buy new clothes.
I want to buy a car and not be embarrassed every time I drive.
I want to be a godly influence at my workplace.
I want to stop choosing to listen to depressing music when I am depressed.
I want to not be depressed to begin with.
I want to stop choosing to sin just because I’m on a roll.
I want to keep my room clean.
I want to grow a beard.
I want to have a thumb that isn’t injured.
I want to receive more texts and calls from my certain someone.
I want to see my certain someone more than three hours per week.
I want to be warm all the time.
I want to pray like someone’s actually listening, because someone’s actually listening.
I want to stop sneaking around my house like a cat burglar.
I want to stop spending money because I have more of it to spend now.
I want to start saving money because I have more of it to save now.
I want to be happy for more than one day out of the week.
But most of all, I want to just go home.

22

You’re my friend in the afternoon
Evening comes I don’t know what to do
You’re my friend in the evening
Morning comes I don’t know what to do

Been spending nights with a burned out crowd
Dead end bar in a no-name town
Been spending days listing my regrets
Quit smoking after each cigarette

You’re the hit on the radio
New hits come I don’t know what to do
Graduate from college
I’m 22, I don’t know what to do

Been working nights on a different job
Just count the minutes til sunrise
Been spending days sleeping til supper
Just don’t ask me what day it is

You’re the talk of the town tonight
When the talk is gone I don’t know what to do
You’re the woman I dream of
When the dream is gone I don’t know what to do

Been spending nights on a different bed
Alarm goes off in the morning
Been spending days wondering just what I’ve said
Keeps me wandering around

Been spending years trying to figure you out
Same old face in the mirror
Always hanging on with the same old crowd
No name bar in a dead end town

Nothing Gets Crossed Out

Well the future’s got me worried such awful thoughts
My head’s a carousel of pictures, the spinning never stops
I just want someone to walk in front
And I’ll follow the leader
Like when I fell under the weight of a schoolboy crush
Started carrying her books and doing lots of drugs
I almost forgot who I was
But came to my senses

Now I’m trying to be assertive, I’m making plans
Want to rise to the occasion, yeah meet all their demands
But all I do is just lay in bed
And hide under the covers

Yeah I know I should be brave
But I’m just too afraid of all this change

And it’s too hard to focus through all this doubt
I keep making this to-do list but nothing gets crossed out
Working on the record seems pointless now
When the world ends who’s gonna hear it?

But I’m trying to take some comfort in written words
Yeah Tim, I heard your album and it’s better than good
When you get off tour I think we should
Hang and black out together

Cause I’ve been feeling sentimental for days gone by
All those summers singing, drinking, laughin’, wasting our time
Remember all those songs and the way we smiled
In those basements made of music?

But now I’ve got to crawl to get anywhere at all
I’m not as strong as I thought

So when I’m lost in a crowd, I hope that you’ll pick me out
I long to be found, the grass grew high, I laid down
Now I’ll wait for a hand to lift me up, help me stand
I’ve been laying so long, don’t wanna lay here no more
Don’t wanna lay here no more, don’t wanna lay here no more

Everything that happens is supposed to be
And it’s all pre-determined, can’t change your destiny
Guess I’ll just keep moving, someday maybe
I’ll get to where I’m going

I’m sleeping under your doorpost all these cold and lonely nights,
So I won’t have far to walk when you open up your eyes.
And as morning comes, I’m waiting still, with a note for you to read:
Secrets I kept as you slept that will bend your heart towards me.

:’(

Getting egged on the way home from work doesn’t feel very good.
I’ve been feeling overwhelmed lately, but God is my stronghold.

Jesus, I my cross have taken, all to leave and follow Thee.
Destitute, despised, forsaken, Thou from hence my all shall be.
Perish every fond ambition, all I’ve sought or hoped or known.
Yet how rich is my condition! God and heaven are still my own.

Let the world despise and leave me, They have left my Savior, too.
Human hearts and looks deceive me; Thou art not, like them, untrue.
O while Thou dost smile upon me, God of wisdom, love, and might,
Foes may hate and friends disown me, Show Thy face and all is bright.

Go, then, earthly fame and treasure, Come disaster, scorn and pain
In Thy service, pain is pleasure, With Thy favor, loss is gain
I have called Thee Abba Father, I have stayed my heart on Thee
Storms may howl, and clouds may gather; All must work for good to me.

Soul, then know thy full salvation Rise o’er sin and fear and care
Joy to find in every station, Something still to do or bear.
Think what Spirit dwells within thee, Think what Father’s smiles are thine,
Think that Jesus died to win thee, Child of heaven, canst thou repine.

Haste thee on from grace to glory, Armed by faith, and winged by prayer.
Heaven’s eternal days before thee, God’s own hand shall guide us there.
Soon shall close thy earthly mission, Soon shall pass thy pilgrim days,
Hope shall change to glad fruition, Faith to sight, and prayer to praise.

Hm

I think I’m going to tahoe this week.
I like zero females.
I have been without my own transportation for like a week and a half.
It’s hot outside but I am still comfortable sitting outside in 105.
I have a new old roommate.
I’m going disconnecting myself from the world wide web until school starts.
School may not start for me if God wants me to go be homeless.
I have no desire to write music or play my coffee house show.
I am lazy.
I am starting to live off of French bread baguettes.
Starbucks charges thirty cents for water now so now I carry around my own cup.
My spirit feels clogged.
I just clipped my fingernails.
From a friend, we should thank God every time we poop because he provided the food.
As the tarnished dank settles upon a frozen oak.

This blog

is not where I keep my real thoughts. I keep those in a little brown imitation Moleskine notebook that I bought at Target (though it is actually quite sturdier than a real Moleskine). I hope to have a bunch of them on a bookshelf by the time I’m grey, with Roman numerals on the spine. There are journals, poetry, prayers, songs, Bible study notes, theology, theories, thoughts, drawings, etc., all in my little notebook. And it’s mine! So wordpress is really just leftover crumbs of all the not-so-important issues in my life that I decide are appropriate for the interweb.

I just downloaded 30 sermons from the past three Resolved conferences, and about 12 Piper sermons. I figure, I have two 25 minute drives to and from work, so I might as well listen to something edifying. Either tonight or tomorrow, I’m ‘pedding to Dixon, so that’s 4 hours round trip for sermon-listening.

I’m going to Dixon because Eric has 4 free passes to Marine World, so me, him, Ashley, and Robbie are going to go. Me and Robbie can hold hands and flirt and cuddle in the car, so we don’t feel left out.

Ok, seriously. All the “Christian” girls I know are freaking just not even serious about it. I know about a handful of true, sincere Christian girls who would rather be put to death than deny Christ. Every other out there is like “Religious views: Christian” … “About me: I just like to have parties with my friends and live for shopping. oh and I go to church.” I want to meet a girl who can’t stop talking about Jesus who saved her from her sin! Is that too much to ask for? It’s like, even people who go as far as lifting their hands during worship, it just doesn’t seem like they are that into God on the other six days of the week. And I also put this upon myself. I don’t want to be proud as I look at people like that. I want to help them and remember that I have just as many inconsistencies. But honestly… I just want to meet a girl who is so focused on God, that it’s going to take His sovereign hand to turn her head in my direction.

I’ve been limiting myself to eight hours of sleep a night and so far it’s been working out nicely. So I have six more hours until I work. Until then, I think I’ll go to Peet’s and read. Because there is a girl there who loves Jesus. And I’d like to introduce myself.

But really, I trust sovereign God to do as he pleases, and only as he pleases, in my life, especially as far as this issue is concerned.

Update

So I guess this is just a little update.

Resolved was great. I didn’t really learn a whole lot, but it was good to be surrounded by men of God and fellowship and be encouraged. I continued to solidify my desire to go to seminary. I don’t know what I want to do with it, but if there is anything worth studying in this world, it is God.

So I have like a million books in my room, and I plan on spending the summer reading them all. Peet’s hasn’t called me back, and I am not going to call them back. God has blessed me with a job at Islands, and I think that taking a second job will take time away from eternal things, namely, spending hours in the word and studying and growing in my knowledge of Him. I also am going to start writing more. I want to write a systematic theology of my own. I want to write out what I believe, and why, not only to strengthen my own views and not jump to take the views of others, but to practice my studying and writing, in hopes of one day being a writer, in part, if not full-time.

I realized that I have been coveting for the past eight months. I knew what I was doing was wrong ethically and/or socially, but to desire someone who doesn’t belong to me is straight up sin, and I need to repent of that. It’s going to be hard because it’s not an act but rather a mindset and a desire of the heart that can only be changed through prayer and petition. Pray for me. And pray that I won’t be yearning for love, because I know plenty of godly men who are single, and I know that they take full joy in serving God, instead of searching for love.

Please pray for Lyndsay. I care about her, and though only she and God know where she is spiritually, I should give the benefit of the doubt and just pray, because I don’t know. Pray that God grants her repentance, and that she makes small steps, or a giant step, to move in the direction of godliness. Pray for edifying fellowship and for humility. Pray that I don’t have underlying motives for caring about this.

.

I used to send up a little prayer everythme I heard a siren.

I don’t anymore.

FML

Once upon a time, I asked God to take away everything from my life so hat I only had Him to rely on. It worked. The most important thing in my life, my best friend and lover was taken away, and did I ever rely on him. I always ask Him to take away things so that I don’t get comfortable with possessions and statuses, but right now, I’m too scared to do that.

I spilled soda on my laptop. I tried to fix it, and ended up breaking it completely.
I had to buy a wireless keyboard and mouse setup. I lost my mouse.
The day after I broke my computer, my roommate tells me that someone knocked over my moped in the parking lot.
My hours got cut at work, which takes away about $150 from my pocket each week.
A girl at work said to me, “You drive that little scooter? How old are you?!”
I have absolutely no food, so I went shopping for cheese and tortilla chips. On the way home, a bag of chips fell of my moped. I went to pick it up, only to find it run over.
I have essays to write, and, in perfect timing, all my Microsoft Office software crashes.
I constantly have killer acid reflux.
I have to come up with lots of money for the deposit on our new apartment. I don’t know how that’s going to happen, due to my cut hours.
My astronomy teacher hasn’t logged any of my lab assignments. I’ve tried so many times to contact him, and nothing has resolved. I am now failing that class, and will fail it if it isn’t resolved in three days.
I cut my leg at work today.
I spill things on myself constantly.
I openly embarrass myself with the things I do.

Sometimes,
I just want a real life. I’m tired of being in limbo. I’m tired of waiting for a beautiful girl who loves me to come around. I’m tired of waiting for the day when I don’t have to go 34 miles an hour in the most pathetic two-wheeled machine every, that barely weighs more than me. I’m tired of my four-year-old, duct-taped sandals that hurt my feet. I’m tired of my homemade and hand-me-down clothing that makes me look homeless. I’m tired of spending hours on my porch being unproductive, just wallowing. I’m tired of school, because I have no goal in sight. I’m tired of my up-and-down spiritual life that makes me wonder day-to-day what my emotions will be like at any given moment. I’m tired of feeling utterly and hopelessly poor (though I know that is the farthest thing from the truth).

I’m just so tired. I’m exhausted in every facet I possess.

Psalm 51:12 Restore to me the joy of Your salvation and sustain me with a willing spirit.